A Letter from a Prosecutor to a Young Woman

***This article was originally published here***

A Letter from a Prosecutor to a Young Woman

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Dear Elizabeth:

I don’t see what more you could have done.

As you well know, reporting sexual assault is a remarkably difficult act. It is deeply emotional, terrifying for many reasons, unpredictable and often thankless. You may not have known while you were alive that the great majority of sexual violence is simply never reported to authorities. But you did report it, quickly and comprehensively. I’m in awe of your courage.

I can only imagine how difficult it was for you in particular, Lizzy. You were a 19 year-old college freshman who had struggled with depression; a lovely young woman who had just started studies again after a difficult first year. But you made it to St. Mary’s, an excellent, close-knit school and one situated along with Notre Dame in the heartland of Catholic education. Arriving in this environment from a strong Catholic background must have been an incredible and hard-won joy for you.

But I’m sure it also made it infinitely more difficult to come forward and report what happened on the night of August 31. Being sexually assaulted at a place like Notre Dame and by a member of its football team- the very beating heart of the school for many- is an act that would have silenced most. Few things are more difficult to come to terms with than being attacked in a dorm room by a football player on one of the most venerated sports campuses in the world. The idea of telling anyone must have been horrific, especially as you were just settling into a new school, a new semester, a new season of hope. I’ve spent a career learning how hopes like that can be destroyed in the space of moments, and it never gets easier to hear.

Still, you faced down your fears and took action. You told your friends and wrote down what happened that very night. You went to campus police the next day. Despite the fear of being portrayed as God-knows-what and the fury that might rain down on you for reporting against a football player, you reported anyway. Despite the discomfort of an invasive physical examination, you endured one. Despite the fear and exhaustion that comes with entering counseling in order to fully recover from such an attack, you did that, too. You did everything that could possibly have been asked of you.

That’s why I’m trying to understand why Notre Dame, the world-class, excellent institution where you were attacked, has reacted the way it has. I don’t know why campus police didn’t turn over a case file to the St. Joseph’s County prosecutor’s office until just several days ago- after your case became national news and your hometown paper began demanding answers. Nor do I understand what’s behind the school’s refusal to release police records regarding what they know about what happened to you- even to your parents.

Finally, and most disturbingly, I don’t know why the man you reported against has played an entire season of football. While it’s true that he is and should be considered innocent until proven otherwise, his privilege to play football isn’t in any way related to his legal rights as a citizen. The fact is, you reported swiftly and completely a serious crime to the proper authorities that control his ability to play, and you followed through with evidence collection, counseling and cooperation. Yet still they have chosen to refuse to even acknowledge your complaint, let alone bar him from playing at least until the investigation is completed. This despite your death. Coach Kelly won’t state whether he’s even spoken to the player you identified. He’s quick to remind us that he stresses respect for women in his program, is a father himself, and wants “the right kind of guys” on his team. Well, the player hasn’t been benched in three months; from this we can fairly deduce that Coach Kelly supports him as someone who is “the right kind of guy” and worthy of wearing the uniform. If that’s so, why won’t he give his reasons?

The sad fact is there’s an ocean of ignorance out there regarding what happened to you, Lizzy. Many who are watching the case unfold are repeating over and over again the meaningless mantra that that we must all “Remember Duke Lacrosse.” It’s because many believe, with nothing to back it up, that women regularly accuse men falsely of sexual assault, and especially athletes. They’re happy to extrapolate one example of a false accusation to every possible situation, despite the mountain of evidence suggesting that women just like you endure what you endured day in and day out, usually in numbed silence.

Even worse, some just don’t think that sexual assault is nearly as important as college athletics, and they’ll sacrifice the vindication of a budding, brilliant life like yours in a flurry of nonsense that will trivialize your suffering and ruthlessly twist reality. They’ll call it regret. They’ll call it a misunderstanding. They’ll call it anything but what it is, and they’ll ensconce and defend the man who did it so he can simply do it again. So even the prompt, thorough complaint you made and the investigation you participated in until your death wasn’t enough to bench a football player for a few games until some evidence came to light, one way or another.

But as you know, there are also wonderful people both at Notre Dame and at St. Mary’s. Both are beloved, respected schools for a reason, and I know you felt and still feel that. To the heroic staff from St. Mary’s Belles Against Violence who worked with you and actually found you before you died, I hope you smile on them from where you are and bless their work.

I believe in a loving God, Lizzy. Although I’m a Catholic as you are I don’t believe He punishes those tortured enough to take their own lives, and I’m confident that you’ve reached a plane of existence that will give you not only blessed relief but also infinite understanding. So I guess this letter is more for me than for you; you have the answers now.

Still, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t know you in this life, and for what it’s worth l would have been honored to work with you to see the case against your attacker proven. I would have had much to go on, given the dedication you showed to pursuing justice and the courage you summoned to do what most of us wouldn’t have dared. Thank you.

Roger

© 2010, Roger Canaff. All rights reserved.

Minimize, Deny, and Blame

This post was originally written by Ashley in Media published on the SAFER blog...but it was so good we decided to repost it here!

I worked for a year as the facilitator of a group intended to create a sense of accountability in guys who had abused their partners. We talked about a lot of things with the men: male privilege, the importance of consent in sexual relationships, and the definition of abuse among them. But more than probably anything else, we talked about the universal trinity of rationalizations for abusive behavior. Any abuser will use these three behaviors in some combination. The behaviors are: minimizing, denial, and blame. So, we would begin every group by going around the room and asking the guys to describe how they had come to be court ordered to attend the group. They would tell their stories, which would go something like this: “What I did wasn’t really that bad, and I didn’t do it. Besides, she asked for it.” With luck, by the end of their sessions with us, they could describe what they did more accurately, and take responsibility for their behavior. Every time one of the guys tried to minimize or deny his abusiveness, or claim that he was provoked into it by either his partner or some combination of outside influences beyond his control, we would call him out on what he was doing and ask him to correct his statement.

When I hear the song “Love The Way You Lie,” it brings me right back.

Now remember, Rihanna sings the chorus, but Eminem wrote it. That means that the chorus is also from the perspective of an admitted abuser. So let’s try a little experiment. Let’s see how many times we can find the abuser’s trinity in this song:

[Chorus - Rihanna:]
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts
(Minimizing and Blame: “It’s not really that bad, and besides, she likes it.”)
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry
But that’s alright because I love the way you lie
(Minimizing and Blame)
I love the way you lie
(Minimizing and Blame with emphasis and a catchy hook)

[Eminem]
I can’t tell you what it really is
(Denial: I am intentionally obfuscating how abusive I am.)
I can only tell you what it feels like
(Blame: My uncontrollable feelings caused by other people did it, not me!)
And right now it’s a steel knife in my windpipe
(Blame: My anger! If only I had the ability to express it in a healthy manner. Alas, I am an automaton whose actions are dictated by biologically uncontrollable supertough manliness. Look at my biceps.)
I can’t breathe but I still fight while I can fight
(Blame: While I have no self-awareness on this subject, patriarchal masculinity dictates that I should always be in control, and that I should have no feelings other than anger. Therefore, when I feel vulnerability of any kind in my relationship, I must express it by attempting to gain control over my partner through abusive behavior. This is in fact a complex series of emotions, but I experience them only as rage. I then blame my partner for inciting my rage, despite the fact that it is my own insecurity that created it. I claim to be ashamed of my anger, but actually I am a little proud of it, because it shows how manly and in control I am. Look at my biceps.)
As long as the wrong feels right it’s like I’m in flight
High off of love, drunk from my hate,
(Blame: Anger! Biceps!)
It’s like I’m huffing paint and I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate
And right before I’m about to drown, she resuscitates me
(Cycle of abuse honeymoon crap)
She fucking hates me and I love it.
(Blame: She provokes me.)
Wait! Where you going?
“I’m leaving you”
No you ain’t. Come back we’re running right back.
(Blame: I abuse her because she won’t leave me. She won’t leave me because she enjoys the abuse. Her fear that I might kill her has nothing to do with it.)
Here we go again
(Blame, and interesting pronoun use.)
It’s so insane cause when it’s going good, it’s going great
I’m Superman with the wind at his back, she’s Lois Lane
(Minimizing: But I treat her very well when I am not beating her up.)
But when it’s bad it’s awful, I feel so ashamed I snapped
(Minimizing: I am again not telling you exactly what I did, because if I clearly explained what my abusive actions were, you might say, “Wow, that is messed up.” Plus Blame: I “snapped,” and had no control over my actions.)
Who’s that dude? I don’t even know his name
(Blame with a capital B)
I laid hands on her, I’ll never stoop so low again
(More cycle of abuse honeymoon crap)
I guess I don’t know my own strength
(Minimizing, Denial)

[Chorus - Rihanna:]
(Blame Blame Blame
Blame Blame Blame
Blame.)

[Eminem]
You ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe
When you’re with ‘em
You meet and neither one of you even know what hit ‘em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
(Look, I got you flowers!)
Yeah, them those chills you used to get ‘em
Now you’re getting fucking sick of looking at ‘em
(This is an abusive statement. It is actual abuse of my partner, in a song about abuse. Meta!)
You swore you’d never hit ‘em; never do nothing to hurt ‘em
Now you’re in each other’s face spewing venom in your words when you spit them
You push pull each other’s hair, scratch claw hit ‘em
(Denial and Blame: The abuse has become a “fight,” in which both partners are equally aggressive. In fact, the majority of abuse does lead to self-defensive violence from victims. This is not the same as a “fight.”)
Throw ‘em down pin ‘em
(Rare moment of honesty)
So lost in the moments when you’re in them
It’s the rage that took over it controls you both
(And we are back to Blame.)
So they say you’re best to go your separate ways
Guess if they don’t know you ’cause today that was yesterday
Yesterday is over, it’s a different day
Sound like broken records playing over but you promised her
Next time you show restraint
You don’t get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave out the window
Guess that’s why they call it window pane
(I appear to take responsibility, but instantly return to narcissism rather than true contemplation of the damage I have done to another human being. This reveals that I am again engaging in false contrition/honeymoon behavior rather than expressing meaningful self-awareness.)

[Chorus - Rihanna:]
(Blame. Also, I would like to imply that rape is sometimes enjoyed by the victim without directly making such a reprehensible statement.)

[Eminem]
Now I know we said things, did things that we didn’t mean
(Minimizing and Denial)
And we fall back into the same patterns, same routine
(Blame)
But your temper’s just as bad as mine is
(BLAME!)
You’re the same as me
(BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMMME)
But when it comes to love you’re just as blinded
(Blame.)
Baby, please come back
It wasn’t you, baby it was me
(Aren’t the flowers pretty?)
Maybe our relationship isn’t as crazy as it seems
(Minimizing)
Maybe that’s what happens when a tornado meets a volcano
(Minimizing and Blame)
All I know is I love you too much to walk away though
(Veiled threat)
Come inside, pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don’t you hear sincerity in my voice when I talk
I told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I’m pissed, I’ll aim my fist at the drywall
Next time. There won’t be no next time
I apologize even though I know its lies
I’m tired of the games I just want her back
I know I’m a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
Im’a tie her to the bed and set this house on fire
I’m just gonna
(Overt threat)

[Chorus - Rihanna:]
(Blame: Considering that a direct threat was just made on the victim’s life, it is interesting that I am ending this song by emphasizing her unwillingness to leave. And by “interesting,” I mean, “blaming the victim.”)

You may also notice that the video has a theme. The theme is: “she started it, I only hit her because of the alcohol, and abuse is very sexy.”

If Eminem were in my group, I’d ask him to start his story again, this time taking responsibility for his actions. Unfortunately, Eminem is not in my group. He is a multi-platinum recording artist who won multiple MTV Video Music Awards tonight. That this implies something important about our culture should be obvious.

Check out the video here...

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others. - Audrey Hepburn

Fighting Sexual Violence on Your Campus: Why Your School’s Sexual Assault Policy Matters

This guest post was written by Sarah Martino from Students Active for Ending Rape (SAFER).

Making waves can seem intimidating. Although a lot of students recognize the need for change in regards to sexual assault on the campuses, many don’t know where to start, how to make the biggest difference, or don’t consider themselves to be activists and shy away from getting involved. For the past ten years, Students Active for Ending Rape (SAFER) has been making the case for campus sexual assault policy reform as an important and accessible way for students to change how their schools prevent and respond to sexual violence. We work with students to organize policy reform campaigns on their campus, offering them guidance as they attack the issue at the institutional level and make sustainable change that will help future classes of students.

But let’s back up and talk policies—what’s in them, and why do they need to be changed in the first place? All colleges and universities (who receive federal funding) are required by the Clery Act to have a written policy on sexual misconduct that is available to all students. At SAFER we believe that sexual assault policies should be thorough enough that any student could pick one up and know exactly how a school defines consent and sexual assault; what their options would if they wanted to report an incident of sexual assault; what services would be offered to them and how to access them; and how a disciplinary procedure would work if they chose to pursue one/were accused of sexual misconduct.

Not many schools have policies that live up to our list of what makes a better sexual assault policy, however. Consequently, students don’t receive comprehensive sexual assault prevention education; victims of rape and sexual assault are not given the support they need; and disciplinary procedures are handled poorly by untrained staff, lack due process, and students found responsible for rape aren’t appropriately sanctioned. The Center for Public Integrity’s recent report on campus sexual assault highlighted a lot of these issues, with distressing findings.

I’d like to encourage students, at the very least, to find their school’s sexual assault policy—which should be on the school’s website and/or in the student handbook—and see what’s in it. And then I ask that you take the extra step of becoming part of SAFER and V-Day’s Campus Accountability Project (CAP). The CAP asks students to review their school’s policy using our student review form that asks a series of yes/no/and fill-in questions meant to assess the policy’s strengths and weaknesses. Once submitted, your policy analysis will be reviewed by SAFER staff and included in our Campus Sexual Assault Policies Database, a collection of policies from across the country meant to be a resource for student activists and an important tool for holding school’s accountable for supporting their students and keeping them safe. If you are unhappy with your school’s policy, you can check out our Activist Resource Center for more ideas on how to make change or bring a SAFER training to your campus. (Note: to access the database and resource center, you’ll need to register for our website. But it’s free!)

Your school’s sexual assault policy not only governs how sexual assault is dealt with on campus, it is also the only constant guidance on the issue—students graduate, and even though one year there may be a lot of sexual assault related activism, it might not last, and with each new class comes the need for education and discussion. This is why we place so much value on student activism around policy. You have the opportunity to ensure that future classes of students will enter more supportive and responsive environment. Go for it, and let us know if you need help.

3 years later....

This month marks the three year anniversary of GASA's creation at UC Davis!

Since then so many great things have happened and there will be more to come.

Stay tuned...

Date Rape is a Crime, not an "Incoherent Concept"

This guest post was written by GASA Advisory Board Member Joseph Vess.

Date Rape is a Crime, not an "Incoherent Concept"

American U. article and its media coverage distort, confuse the issue

The recent opinion column in the American University student newspaper and its ensuing media coverage fail to accurately represent the reality of sexual assault on college and university campuses. Rape is not an “incoherent concept” for the estimated one in four college women who will be raped by classmates, boyfriends, friends or dormmates during their college career. Many of the college and university men that Men Can Stop Rape works with in Men Creating Change chapters nationwide are engaged around the issue precisely because they have seen firsthand the devastating effects of sexual assault on women they care about.

Sexual assault is the fault of the perpetrator—no one else. A woman who drinks too much at a party, or goes to a certain party, or goes home with a certain guy is never to blame because that guy made the deliberate choice to rape. Rape is still a felony, and it is never the fault of the survivor. In nearly every state, someone who is intoxicated cannot even legally consent to sex. Blaming women for bringing it on themselves and overblown claims about women who “cry rape” the next morning are time-worn concepts, used the world over to legitimize rape by men who benefit from its impact on women. The line of consent is never blurry, except for those who distort it to condone sexual assault.

Sexual assault prevention efforts must focus on those who commit sexual assault, and the vast majority of those perpetrators are men. They are still a minority among men however, leaving many more men who are opposed to rape, who speak out against it, and who challenge other men to end violence against women. Rather than focus on the tiny percentage of false reports (estimated by credible studies to be between 2-8 percent, similar to other violent crimes), these men focus on the real problem—the millions of women who are our mothers, sisters and daughters; our wives, girlfriends and friends; our classmates, co-workers and fellow service members—who are sexually assaulted every year.

But clearly, not enough men are speaking up as lies, misrepresentations and victim-blaming continue to be the norm in popular coverage of sexual assault. Yesterday, April 1, marked the beginning of Sexual Assault Awareness Month. There is no better time for individuals, especially men, to learn how they can stand up, be strong and take action to prevent sexual violence.

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Men Can Stop Rape’s Men Creating Change program mobilizes college and university men across the United States to challenge sexual assault and other forms of violence against women on their campus and in their community. For more information, please contact Joseph Vess, Director of Training and Technical Assistance, at jvess@mencanstoprape.org or Joe Samalin, Campus Strength Coordinator, at jsamalin@mencanstoprape.org.

Sexual Assault Awareness Month – One Thing Men Can Do

Guest post by Ben Atherton-Zeman. Ben is a feminist, actor and husband living in Maynard, MA in the United States. He is the author of the one-man play, “Voices of Men” and can be reached through his website, http://www.voicesofmen.org/.

April is National Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Every two minutes in the United States, a man rapes a woman – and it’s usually a woman he knows. Those of us who know victim/survivors of sexual violence know the toll it takes on them - yet there continue to be numerous examples in our popular culture of blaming rape victims, glorifying rape culture and apologizing for rapists’ behavior.

This year, Sexual Assault Awareness Month seems to be starting with two such examples. An American University article newspaper column berates women who "cry date rape after you sober up the next morning..." http://www.awolau.org/2010/03/30/why-is-the-eagle-so-hostile-to-feminists/. A video game profiled on CNN puts the gamer in the position of rapist - the gamer gropes, molests and then rapes a teen girl in a subway station in order to win the game: http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/asiapcf/03/30/japan.video.game.rape/index.html.

No, this is not an April Fool’s joke. Anti-rape activists won’t be surprised by these latest examples of rape culture, nor by their tired justifications (“it’s just a game, feminists are anti-sex and have no sense of humor”, etc.). Neither the game nor the victim-blaming column are unique – both basically are a restating of traditional misogyny and male supremacist beliefs.

What is exciting to me is the immediate, almost universal anger and condemnation of both by the online feminist community. Videos can go “viral” and so can activism – Facebook status updates and emails from across the world are condemning both. Women are writing with boldness and outrage – men are writing that this is not just a “woman’s issue,” calling for men of conscience to speak out against rape and rape culture. And even though the CNN article states that it’s only “women’s groups” that oppose the rape game, it turns out that men are (finally) speaking out in greater numbers – speaking out against rape and rape culture.

One example is the new Facebook group, “Ten Thousand Men Supporting Women’s Anti-Violence Groups.” Inspired by Pat Eng of the Ms. Foundation for Women, this Facebook group encourages men to donate money or time to their local rape crisis center, domestic violence program, or national anti-violence group.

Ms. Eng delivered a keynote address at the first National Conference for Men’s Anti-Sexist Groups last year – during her keynote, she encouraged male aspiring allies to “show, not tell” their commitment to ending gender-based violence by making a financial donation to such groups. Most of these groups, Eng argued, are facing budgetary emergencies because of the economy – men can help by making a simple donation. The concept made sense to some male attendees, who contacted Eng and started the group. So far, it has just over 1000 members, at least some of whom have made donations to both their local groups and the Ms. Foundation.

My friend Matt belongs to our Boston chapter of the National Organization for Men Against Sexism http://www.nomasboston.org/. He told me, “if women make 78 cents to every man’s dollar, shouldn’t we men tithe 22 cents for every dollar we make?” Agreed – and what better place to send that money than our local rape crisis center!

Another good reason for men to donate is the fact that most rapists are men. But most men are not rapists - those of us who oppose rape and rape culture can no longer remain silent. And money, even a small donation, is a wonderful way for us to support our local rape crisis center.

Facebook users of all genders are encouraged to join the Ten Thousand Men group at http://www.causes.com/tenkmen. Then invite your Facebook friends – specifically, those male friends who don’t normally do this kind of work. Even if they can give $5 or $10, it helps – and it may be the first step in what becomes a lifetime involvement.

Outrage and organizing against sexism and rape culture is also not new – whether face to face or on the Internet. But I’m impressed and hopeful about the use of the Internet and social networking to organize an articulate response to these latest outrages. Perhaps if people of all genders raise our voices in this manner, some day rape will not happen every two minutes – it’ll happen hardly at all.